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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

pity party

One disadvantage of having a (generally accurate) reputation for being a level-headed logical person, whatever my multitudinous other faults may be, is that when I have a slump and seem more "typically" feminine as far as emotions go, I get a definite sense of letting people down. When I get hormonal or otherwise illogically emotional, T, who has often congratulated himself on finding such a straightforward wife who "thinks like a man" (his words) and doesn't generally even get real PMS, gets this "this isn't what I signed up for" kind of edge to his voice -- in the nicest possible way. My parents look at me like I'm a changeling and my kids don't know how to take this person who has taken over their mother's body. Today is one of those days. My impulse no matter what I'm doing is to find a surface to fold my arms on, and to lay my head down in them and either cry or sleep. Or maybe both. I'll look around at my life and mentally kick myself, because damn, my life is good. It really, really is. But today for some unknown reason it seems like I'm looking at my wonderful life through glass and I can't really get into it or live it. There's no reason for me to feel this way, and plenty of reasons for me NOT to feel this way, and yet there it is. ack. I hope tomorrow will be better.