« short survey | Main | yet. another. survey. »

Friday, April 09, 2004

just a pity party, don't mind me

Oh my goodness what a mood change I've had today. I can hardly believe tonight that I am the same person who was all chirpy and yay-i'm-going-on-a-date two days ago. Mainly I think it's been brought on by some interpersonal problems I've had yesterday and today (including the most vicious argument I have ever had with my husband, and it was all my fault, so, in the words of Rex, "Great! Now I have GUILT!" as well). This evening I cried and cried, and instead of the way I usually feel after I cry -- which is sort of washed-clean and ready to start fresh -- I feel like I've emptied myself of everything except this malevolent, living, growing, reptilian THING that's coiled in my chest. This THING makes me snappy and crabby and blah and I feel like I never want to speak again or be involved in anything or try anything. And at the same time I feel like I'm betraying myself by being this way... somewhere back inside is the real me, and she's really pissed off at this imposter. --------