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Thursday, September 30, 2004
just rambling around going on and on about widely varied topics
LT had his first nosebleed in three weeks tonight. Just when we were thinking that his nose had healed fully and nosebleeds would be a thing of the past, wham. It wasn't a terribly bad one but it didn't stop as soon as I'd have liked. sigh. Just something else to add to Nameless Dread.
If Nameless Dread didn't have such a catchy title already I'd call it, I dunno, Trying to Be God or Not Trusting God Enough. Because that's what it is. I know that and yet it doesn't keep it from happening sometimes. There's a whole list of things that can trigger it or pass through my mind while it's going on. LT's Tourette's. T's lack of energy (which is getting worse and doesn't seem to need sugar as a trigger anymore, although sugar definitely doesn't help). T's boss. T's job. The real estate market. North Korea. LT's nosebleeds. Money. The everlasting worry about whether I'm doing the right things with my kids. Terrorism. And it goes on. And sometimes there's no trigger and nothing specific in my head, I just get this feeling of foreboding and worry in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. I know I should just give this over to God and trust Him. I'm trying. I keep giving it to Him and then taking it all right back. sigh.
I just tonight started working on the nightgown we're going to give C for her birthday. I'll work on it some more tomorrow night, and then Friday morning T will be off; I'll get him to keep the kids occupied while I finish it. I so totally should have started this days ago. It's my own fault -- I actually completely forgot about it last night and Monday night. whoops.
I am not sure there were enough adverbs in those last two sentences. Maybe I should add a few "very"s and a "surely" or two.
Tomorrow -- well, technically speaking, today -- my little girl will be five. A whole hand. I've said this before in here, I think, but I never realized before I had kids how big a deal a birthday is for the person's mother. I always thought of my birthdays as just my own thing -- as much as a birthday can be one's own thing when it is on Christmas -- and never thought about what was going through Mom's head. Now I know. Five years ago right now I was extremely uncomfortable, just finally going to bed after getting the house all clean so that I could go down to the hospital in the morning and not come home to an absolute pigsty. In fact, here: the last picture of me pregnant, not counting the wretched ones with me in a hospital gown. Five years and half an hour ago. (note the wrist brace. In addition to a separating pelvis, I had carpal tunnel syndrome in a very bad way at the end of that pregnancy. Ouch.)
