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Tuesday, January 25, 2005
weird day
Yesterday was... a really, really weird day. I don't know where my regular self took off to, but I hope she's back today.
It started off with the unpleasant experience of simply walking out into a very cluttered, messy living room. This was partly because of my "it's clean enough, I'm going to be lazy this weekend" mentality (which always backfires), and partly because the kids had again got stuff out and not put it away, and partly because T's model things were still out, and partly because he had brought in his two telescopes and all their accoutrements and left them in the living room and dining area after a Saturday-night astronomy session. Anyway. The clutter was everywhere; I could not look in any direction (except from my bed) without seeing heaps of STUFF. So I set to work with the kids cleaning it up, but they were not cooperative and I don't know why but my mood just went south. And continued to do so until I found myself completely out of control, sitting in front of a Cary Grant movie methodically eating my way through three-quarters of a big bag of barbecue chips, not even tasting them. And then trying to throw them up.
It pains me even to type that, and it's embarrassing. That is so not like me. When I told T about it I kept saying, over and over, that I wasn't planning to make a habit of it, I just wanted to undo that stupid thing I'd done just this one time. It felt like if I'd been fifteen years younger I could have been the main character in an ABC After School Special. The kids and I went for a walk because I thought it might clear my mind, but still, I spent the rest of the day alternately cleaning, staring into space, and crying quietly (and telling the kids when they asked that Mommy just felt sad and she didn't know why. LT: "Sometimes I feel like that. You just have to think about other things.") I cooked dinner and walked to chorus rehearsal, and things started looking up at that point. When I came home, I found that T and the kids had not only installed my closet shelves and brought over my lingerie chest from the guest apartment, but they'd also hauled the model stuff next door and put away the telescopes. And the kids had washed the dishes. So I was able to put away a lot of things (thanks to the shelves and the dresser) and I'll do more of that today. So far this morning I feel normal and fine. Please God let it stay that way.
P.S. The cats are fast friends now. We've started letting them spend a little bit of time outside now, but they will always be trapped in the house from dusk until I get up in the morning -- other animals have been disappearing in our neighborhood at night as well.
