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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
"How do you keep falling in love?"
KiwiRia posted the following in her journal:
How do you keep falling in love?Due to recent problems in our marriage, my husband and I have decided that we really need to work on spending more time together - not just "we're-living-together" time - but proper quality time, just like we did when we were dating.
However, we seem to have gotten stuck in a rut, so I need ideas!
Ideas of (inexpensive) things to do on date-nights.
Ideas of how to fall in love with my DH all over again.
Ideas of how I can make my DH fall in love with me all over again.We love each other dearly, but in the stress of everyday life, the magic tends to slip away.
What do you do to rekindle the romance in your relationship?
Oh dear, she had to go and ask for my advice (not specifically my advice, but yeah, so what?), didn't she. I am such a sucker for giving advice. I wrote such a long reply that I decided to go ahead and post it here and link to it, rather than taking over her comments area with my long-windedness. My reply follows.
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Wow, there's a lot of good advice so far! What a good use of the blogosphere, no?
As for me, eleven years of marriage have helped me to discover the following:
1. If the computer is YOUR addiction, so to speak, just shut the darn thing off. If it's HIS, he won't like you doing that, so you have to lure him away from it. I suggest the aforementioned sexy outfit. This is where you're lucky not to have kids yet, because those of us blessed with little ones can't just do this kind of thing as soon as DH walks in the door, we have to wait till the kiddos are in bed or send them to Grandma's ahead of time. Although we can, um, kind of HINT, in a subtle way, to, um, keep things at the forefront of our minds while we wait. (Ditto with the TV or whatever else might take you away from each other.)
2. All the time, whatever you're doing, don't get so engrossed in it that you don't touch/talk to/smile at each other. Just being in the same room together can be really chummy if you're still aware of each other, and really desolate-feeling if you're not. When we watch a movie, we cuddle with each other on the couch instead of sitting in separate chairs. When he walks past me, he pauses to kiss me; when I walk past him sitting at the computer I stroke the top of his head. I look up from my crocheting and wait till he looks up from his studying, and I catch his eye and smile. That kind of thing.
3. In our specific marriage, I have found that when we start getting snippy or "bored" with each other, a lot of the time we'll look at our lives and see that we just don't have much time together. We make a conscious effort to fix that, to spend hours in each other's company even if it's just doing ordinary household things or our own projects, and things get better. This is the opposite of what most modern relationship advice will tell you -- that these things are a sign of needing some time apart. That never, ever, ever works for us.
4. All the other suggestions about romantic dinners at home, etc. are great. You and your DH both love theater; maybe a night on the other side of the curtain would be a good date? When T and I are broke (which is often), even just a standing date every two weeks to put the kids to bed on time and put in one of the movies we already own, and lie on the couch together to watch it -- and then, well, YOU know -- is perfect. It gives us something to look forward to, and just having an appointment for something pleasant with each other reminds us of how fond we are of each other.
5. In the long term, see if you have time in your schedules to take on an activity together. Do you still do the theater thing? If not, could you do it again in some form? Something where you not only have a standing "date" to spend time together, but also have something to reminisce and think and plan about in common, can be a really good thing.
6. Remember to be playful. Remember to be engrossed in each other. This gets HARD to do sometimes, when you reach the stage where your relationship is easily taken for granted. The focus needn't be on that flirty-butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling -- that pretty much belongs to the beginning of a relationship. The problems start when a couple equates that feeling with "love", and thinks that because that feeling is gone, the relationship is somehow flat and the love is gone. It's not. It's just not a new relationship anymore, and that's a good thing, because new relationships might make you dizzy and crazy and blissful, but they are never as rich as long ones. I think of the things that enrich my marriage and make me feel passionate about my husband, and often it's the little things, like riding in the car listening to the radio and getting fired up about the same things politically or theologically, or in making each other laugh, REALLY laugh, belly laugh, or in the way he makes up songs for me or crosses the room just to kiss me. (Funny: T and I fell in love while carrying on a series of political and religious debates with each other and so now, even though we agree on most issues, one way we really connect with each other is by having a really verbal, passionate discussion about current events or theology. nerds? nah.)
7. Being on track spiritually always, always helps us. If we get to where we're not spending time in the Word (apart OR together) and in prayer, it really starts to show in our attitudes, which affects our relationship. The times our marriage has been at its very best have been the times when we've been in the habit of purposefully setting aside time for devotions together. Sadly, this is not nearly as large a percentage of our marriage as it should be....
I don't mean to sound like I think I know it all. Obviously I don't know it all, or anywhere near that. But I do have a really happy marriage, and these are just some things that that marriage has taught me.
Comments
Ditto on #3. The more time we spend together, the better we get along. This is one reason we enjoy long trips in the car together - nothing to do but talk. I agree on 2 as well and on 6, especially about the richness of long happy relationships. (I don't diagree on most of the others, but those are the ones that really strike a chord.)
Maria, are you reading? Happy marriages, a love of many of the same books, and a set of two X chromosomes are very nearly the *only* things Rachel and I have in common - so I figure things that ring true for both of us must be pretty universal.
Posted by: Dichroic at May 3, 2005 01:01 PM
This is brilliant! Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out. And yes, I did ask for YOUR advice :) I really wanted to hear from other people in happy marriages (which ours is too - most of the time).
Once the comments stop coming, I plan to make one long post with all the recommendations I've received. Would you mind me quoting you in that post? No matter what, I'll be printing this out for future reference. Thank you!
Posted by: Maria at May 3, 2005 01:47 PM
All great points, Rachel! I have one to add, and I'd feel silly leaving it on your friend's blog, since I don't know her (and I probably can't, since I'm not a blogger myself), so I'll leave it for you to pass on to her (hi! :). I don't remember what website I got this idea from, but one night I sat down and typed a list entitled, "100 Reasons I Love My Husband." and left it where Dan would find it on his own. Included was everything from the obvious reasons ("he makes me laugh") to the personal reasons ("most times we can look across a room and know precisely what the other is thinking") to more the intimate ("_________") :) This meant so much to him! And I think the greatest benefit was one I didn't anticipate - upon completion of my list (really, it began much earlier than that) *I* had that "butterfly feeling" once again for him. So it not only made his day and communicated the many reasons I love him, but also, at a time when things between us were feeling slightly distant, I was reminded once again of the 100(s) of reasons I fell in love with him!
Posted by: Susan at May 3, 2005 11:03 PM
Great idea Susan! Thank you! I'll be starting on that as soon as I get a couple of minutes free.
Posted by: Maria at May 4, 2005 12:53 AM
Awesome...thanks for sharing this with all of us.
Posted by: Kristen at May 4, 2005 04:18 PM
You made some really awesome points here. I have heard so many people complain that "butterflies in the tummy thing" is gone and they feel "the honeymoon is over" and thus, their marriage is doomed to the rest of their lives just trying to get along with each other. I have not been married long, just since last September, but we have been living together for three years. I have had longer relationships in the past, much longer-that amounted to nothing because well, we weren't really in love...Just comfortable. The butterfly feeling left and well, everything just settled into a lot of wasted time. However, after living with the man I married for three years, sometimes the butterfly feeling is still there. We don't always agree, and sometimes see things from completely different sides...But we respect each other. I think the most important thing is to find quality time together. We both have our own lives and our own passions and we both like our alone time (me probably more than him). We also both have an active social life, together and apart. When my husband was working seven days a week, we hardly ever had any time together and things got pretty difficult. Now he's off on weekends and we spend every second of those two days a week doing whatever we want, together. We go to museums, go on hikes, see movies, or just plain sleep in all day, cuddling and, um, well...You know. I wish there could be some advice for men too. I know a lot of girls who can't keep their men away from the tv, or away from the football games with the guys, among other things. I know many women who feel that their husbands would much rather spend time with the boys then with their wives. I don't think that is very healthy and if anyone can raise a point like that and give some advice, perhaps I can pass it on.
Posted by: jenn at May 5, 2005 02:18 AM
I have 3 teen age children. I work full time and my husband works full time and does side work. We had more time to ourselves because they are older but we were not taking advantage of it. I received a call while he was fishing one evening, his mother of only 66 years had suddenly passed away. I had to notify him and his siblings with the awful news. He came home and I went with him to her apartment to handle the funeral home personnel, on the way he broke down. I had him pull over so I could drive. I did not have the best relationship with his mother nor did he, but at that moment my heart broke for him. I became the supportive wife I needed to be for him and his family. It took a terrible thing like a death for me to realize the time we were wasting. I spent so much time with him in the next few weeks that if I didn't, I felt I was missing a great deal. She was young and being 44 myself I did not want to have regrets. As we spent time together he showed his appreciation for all the things I had helped him and his family with. He made it a point to call me more often from work. We now made it a point to go to bed together, work around the house together and make more time for each other. Yes we fell in love all over again. The fact that we have teens allows us to go out more and we were not utilizing this. We do now. We purposely go to bed early on occasion (for you know) our personal time. My husband has always been affectionate, so is his family. Mine is not and it has taken years for me to appreciate this and openly show it. I have fallen in love with him again, and I tell him and show him all the time. All it takes is a touch and I have his attention and it is wonderful. He is a great man and husband. I am thankful for his love and our new found romance. I think back to why I fell in love with him, all the reasons are still there but, so many times we let other circumstances cloud the reasons, until we unconciously do not look for them. It has taken a tragedy to help us see this and ours eyes are open again and we are not going to let it happen again. I support him, he supports me, we support our children and our families, we are keeping love alive.
Posted by: K Roberts at July 10, 2006 11:55 AM
