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Monday, June 13, 2005
slipping
Today I can feel myself slipping down. It has been a long time since I've felt like this, and I don't like it. Every time it goes away, I think, whew, glad that's done, won't have to deal with that again.
Oops.
Am I sensing the delicate shifting of chemical balances in my brain? Is it the devil, pulling on me and cackling merrily? Am I not spiritual enough? Not active enough? Just weak? Maybe I'm overwhelmed by the sheer work involved in pulling a household back into normalcy after a weekend of being gone almost all the time, or maybe... I don't know. All I do know is that I feel like I'm sliding down a seamless, slippery chute into a fog of gray waiting for me at the bottom. I'm trying for handholds -- get something done, that sometimes works. If you don't like your surroundings, change them. Clean up the mess and then the vicious circle will break and you'll feel normal. Go out and see something different.
Or, sit.
I sometimes think the fatigue and exhaustion associated with depression is actually related to the way that, when you're depressed, nothing at all sounds appealing. You can't even daydream and take yourself away from where you are, because all the usual daydream fodder -- I am sitting by a snapping fire. It is autumn and the rain is coming down in sheets outside the plate-glass window of the library in my beautiful new home. The whole family is with me, and quiet, with a general feeling of well-being and love in the room. I have a thick book which I've never read before, and a cup of rich hot chocolate, and a throw blanket on my lap -- feels just as empty as the thought of washing the sinkful of dishes, or getting the kids ready for running errands, or staring into space. I think it's not so much that lying in bed sounds so much more worthwhile than anything else -- it's just that when we humans get this way we tend to want to maintain the default position. So I lie around staring at the wall, thinking of nothing. Or I sit in this chair, staring at the screen, likewise thinking of nothing. (well, NOW I'm thinking, I'm thinking about typing a post. Ha ha. Depressed person's idea of a joke. To quote C: "You're supposed to laugh. Like [hysterically] 'HEE HEE HAW HAW HAW!!'" And then she sits and waits for me to indeed laugh like HEE HEE HAW HAW HAW.) Actually, since, as I mentioned, I'm still only slipping down into the fog, and haven't landed in it (yet?), I got really clever a little bit ago. If nothing was going to have any appeal, from lying in bed to discovering a never-before-known Jane Austen book to taking a beach vacation, well, I might as well do things that were ordinarily unappealing, since it wouldn't matter what I was doing. That lasted through the sinkful of dirty dishes anyway. (I think my family is doing a study. It's physics. They're wondering how many bowls and cups can be piled on top of each other -- some partly filled with their beslimed contents, some just encrusted with them -- and still stay upright in the sink. I was gone all day Saturday and then we were all gone most of the day yesterday. The dishwasher's been sitting there empty, waiting to be filled, and yet the sink was piled high with the aforementioned physics experiment. Wanna come over? It's so much fun here.)
Anyway. I think I'm going to go try to dig in my nails, or build a ladder, or, I dunno, at least accomplish a few things that really need to be done.
Comments
I hope you're feeling more like your usual self soon. I won't pretend to know the cause of that "slipping" feeling, but based on what I know of you, I'd cross out "weak" and "not spiritual enough".
And if *our* house can get as messy as it does over the weekend, with just the two of us to pile up the dishes in the sink, I can only imagine (and try to remember, dimly, from my childhood) what it's like with a couple more people adding to the dishes and general clutter. That's enough to pull anyone down!
Maybe tomorrow will be better. :o)
Posted by: Michael at June 13, 2005 02:53 PM
I hope you're feeling yourself soon. I don't think it's the "not spiritual enough" or the "not strong enough". I think it's just "blah".
Like Michael said, I can't imagine what the physics experiment would loook like, considering what it looks like with 2 of us. :P
Take care of yourself. I can send my physicist husband by to help with the pile if you need (he's also a whiz with dirty dishes, thanks to my MIL.)
Posted by: mary at June 13, 2005 06:07 PM
Hey sweety, I know exactly how you feel. If you want to talk, I'll leave the computer on while I'm cleaning and check the screen from time to time. It usually helps me to either get something done or talk to someone who will make me laugh, but take me seriously at the same time...Which is usually you! ;-)
Posted by: jenn at June 13, 2005 08:40 PM
I've never read any other person describe just exactly the way I feel like you just have. I feel this very way today. Every single thing I see is a reminder of how much I have to do. I've always thought of it as being overwhelming, more than I can handle, much more than I signed up for. someone recently told me to just "do the next thing," so that's what I'm working on today. The laundry, the kitchen, the sink full of dishes (my dishwasher is full, but the sink is, too, because the kids were making bubbles with dishsoap and Bo loaded their soapy bowl into the dishwasher. Voila. A new mess), and trying to gain footing. I have too much to do and not enough me. But I'll keep doing the next thing. It's all I have the strength to do.
Posted by: thicket dweller at June 14, 2005 08:28 AM
Definetely the same physics experiment takes place here...although I'm almost convinced we have gnomes that sneak in and dirty our dishes because I don't see how we can go through so many...
Posted by: Hope at June 18, 2005 12:50 PM
