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Monday, January 23, 2006
"Motherhood is hard," she rambled.
Old-timers here (perhaps even back to the Blissful Contentment days) may recall that LT, who is now 9 1/2, has struggled with anxiety off and on. He wavers from simple caution, much like his father's, to anxiety (especially at bedtime) so severe that I contemplate finding a Christian counselor for him (except that it would scare him to death to go see one).
For the last few nights he has again been coming out of his bed to tell us he can't sleep, he feels anxious. I go in and talk to him and pray with him, cuddle his head, talk about things like "Be still and know that I am God" and "Be anxious for nothing", and try to get to the bottom of what's bothering him. Which has an additional wrinkle this time around, it would appear.
I'll backtrack for a sentence and say that I've always felt very blessed, having two children who completely adored each other from day one, and who never had serious sibling rivalry at any stage. Until now, when apparently LT is so bothered by his sister's dramatic tendencies that, according to him, he thinks about hitting her, a lot (I was a bit shocked to hear this, but quickly praised him for not hitting her, since I as a little sister and T as an older brother are both familiar with this particular aspect of growing up -- him far more than me). He feels that she gets far too much attention and wants us to give him more attention. He'll openly say that he likes to pester his sister, he likes to boss her around. Hey, at least he's honest. But I feel like I'm at my wits' end. I thought parenting newborns and toddlers was the hard part, with their constant neediness, and I would look forward to adolescence as this hazy foggy far-distant time when, yeah, we could expect some troubles, but surely for us things wouldn't be like for all those other people -- people who don't homeschool, who send their kids out to a rebellion-festering world from a very early, tender age, whose kids are influenced more by their peers than their parents, etc. And yet here I am, with adolescence supposedly still three or four years away, at a loss. This is where the rubber meets the road and I feel like a flat failure as a parent. If I can't make my son feel loved enough, then what can I do?
Well, there are a few things we've thought of in the week or so since this came up. We're going to make sure, as much as we can, even more than we've been doing, not to cater to C's dramatic whims. If she has a genuine problem, obviously we'll deal with it, and of course we'll love her and give her plenty of positive attention just like we do her brother, but her DQ antics have stopped being so funny and become downright annoying. We've been talking to her about this for a while, trying to help her to understand that she doesn't need to act more hurt or more scared than she really is. We're going to continue.
Also, we're going to set aside some special father/son time. We've always been advocates of both quantity and quality time with our kids, and we're all together as a family probably quite a bit more than most families we know, but LT is getting to an age where there are going to be things that his Dad needs to discuss with him anyway, and how better to make sure that can happen than to have a weekly date set up for them to do guy stuff together? With the added bonus that it will help LT to have something concretely memorable that's about him, without his little sister coming along and stealing his thunder.
And I'm trying to think of something service-oriented but still fun, where he could simultaneously use his skills, focus on someone besides himself, and get a little positive recognition (without being in front of people, which he hates). Maybe he and his dad and friends could refurbish donated bicycles for kids who can't afford new ones, or something. Still very much up in the air, that thought is.
I remember being the little sister. I remember distinctly when my brother was probably fifteen, and he was in the Sea Cadets, and he was really good at it. I was twelve or thirteen and I told Mom and Dad that I wanted to be in the Sea Cadets too, and my brother said (quite reasonably, as I recall) that no, he didn't want me to join, because this was one thing he could do where I couldn't come along and do it too. At the time I went along with it, and was (because C comes by her drama-queen tendencies honestly) a little flattered. Looking back now, I wish I could apologize to that teenaged boy, and the boy he'd been before that, for being such an inconvenience to his life. Just like with my own kids, he was more quiet and reserved; I was talkative and melodramatic. He was a quite decent student and knowledgeable about computers and a ton of other things, a really smart guy, but I was the prim, well-behaved little attention-hog nerd girl, and I think I overshadowed him in some ways, or at least I could see how maybe he felt like I did. I never thought to wonder if that was part of the reason he got in with The Wrong Crowd and had a bit of a hard time of it when he was in high school. (He's fine now, one of my heroes and one of my best friends.)
Maybe it's just human nature -- there's all kinds of documentation about birth order and its impact on personality. Maybe I'd be fighting an impossible battle, to try to get both my kids to realize they're on the same team and don't have to compete for our attention or love. The boy's fine at this moment; he and his sister are having a rousing light-saber battle, after having just sat down and drawn pictures to show what the Allegretto Scherzando from Beethoven's Eighth Symphony made them think of; his drawing did not involve any decapitated little sisters, or even any blood at all. Maybe I'm overanalyzing this, and worrying too much; you experienced moms are welcome (PLEASE) to give me advice. But I can't not try, you know? I just want the poor boy to be able to sleep. And, OK, I'd like for him to grow up as a normal, well-adjusted person, and not get into self-destructive hobbies, and it'd be great if as an adult he'd call his mom every week, and give me grandkids, and live near enough for me to see them, and maybe win the Nobel Prize for Literature or something.
Joking, joking. The prize for Physics would be fine.
Comments
(He's fine now, one of my heroes and one of my best friends.)
You should tell him that sometime.
Posted by: debi at January 23, 2006 04:21 PM
Wow. I am no mother and forgive me for possibly sticking my two cents in where it does not belong, but I was a psych student for a very long time and if that means anything at all, I'd like to try and maybe give a little support. At least as an annoyingly opinionated and nosy friend?
First of all I would like to say I admire your efforts and your patience and intelligence in the way you raise your kids. When I was a child I was a mess as you know and I was rarely able to get anybody to try and help me. My parents were too busy fighting and feeling sorry for themselves to even think about dealing with something one of us kids were going through. We were just kids! What did we know? What did WE have to be stressed about? We needed to toughen up and fly straight. Well, thank God my mother had a moment of clarity long enough to send me away.
So, for one moment don't you even THINK that you are a bad parent.
It doesn't always take interaction with the big bad world to cause distress in a person's life. We are all victims of our environment regardless of the setting. A lot of the times kids can be very sensitive to their surroundings and pick up on all kinds of stuff, particularly the emotions of a parent or as you shared with us here...Of a sibling.
Human nature indeed.
LT is a very special little boy and his sensitivity and intelligence will help him grow into an amazing man because he has such wonderful parents. Remember though, just like if he came running in with a bleeding scalp - the best thing is to remain calm and always remind him that things aren't as bad as they seem. With your reassurance, patience and inginuity in parenting (And God's love, of course) he will turn out fine.
As for C, I can relate as well as you can and I think dealing with her will be easier than you think. Just remember back to when you were her age and figure out what your parents could have done differently (Or grab onto what they did right) and apply it here.
I'm sorry if I'm totally off here. I tend to spend a lot of time fantasizing about having children and I put myself into situations like this all the time in my head and figure out ways to deal with it. So for what it is worth, there's a few pennies for thought.
I love you!
Posted by: jenn at January 23, 2006 09:59 PM
I'm no mother, but as the oldest of 4 I can still recognize some of the things you've mentioned.
I'm sorry to break it to you dear, but both my mother and my aunt have always said "Small kids - small problems. Big kids - big problems". On the other hand, I can reassure you by telling you that Mum also often says that our teenage years (she had 4 teenage girls all at once! I marvel at how she managed ;) ) were some of the most blessed and beneficial years for her.
With 4 children, getting quality one-on-one time was a tricky thing to do, so my parents had two ways of giving us 'special time'. The first one was mostly when we were young, the latter kept up until we moved away from home.
1) Once in awhile one of us would be allowed to stay up late on a Friday evening, to play games or just sit and talk together with Mum and Dad.
2) Once in awhile, Dad would take one of us out for dinner at a restaurent of OUR choice. He used to work quite late, so this was his way of getting to spend time with us.
I think the weekly father/son plans are a BRILLIANT idea :-)
Posted by: Maria at January 23, 2006 11:18 PM
You say you feel like a "flat failure". However, that LT admitted any of these feelings is, I think, huge. You must have a pretty good relationship that he is willing to admit those kinds of things to you, knowing that you will not love him any less, or think less of him; he just knows that you will help him somehow. So keep that in mind, too.
I honestly can't help, not being a parent yet (soon!), but I wanted to give you that to think about, too. I know you guys will figure something out. I like the idea of Dad/Kid day -- I'm sure he'll get a lot out of that and have great memories of all their "guy stuff".
As for a project, I know you have said that they like to do astronomy together. Maybe they could arrange or be a part of Star Parties or something similar for the church group or for the local schoolkids or at Yosemite or or or? He could have his dad do the main talking but he could go around helping the other kids (and adults!), pointing stuff out, etc. Confidence booster, and instant recognition. I also like the idea you had of rebuilding things for the less-fortunate. He seems like a smart kid so I am sure there are LOTS of things he could be doing; it's just a matter of figuring out WHAT.
Also, totally as an aside, I was reading Money magazine last week (well, skimming and looking at the pictures) and there was a couple from your town in there -- it was an article about married couples going on separate vacations. It was just a little tiny blurb with a little tiny picture but I thought "Huh. Wonder if Rachel knows these two?"
Posted by: mary at January 24, 2006 05:31 AM
Ooh, I think I'm an "old-timer." Exciting.
Anyway, I'm obviously not a mother yet, but my totally unnecessary two cents: I think there will always be some sort of conflict/tension in any sibling group, so you are totally not a failure or any of that. And it's great that LT could talk to you about it. I'm sure you already thought of/did this, but since you didn't mention it: have you asked him if he has any concrete examples of things that might help? Or if there's anything he's wanted to try doing, etc. that could lead to a quality time project?
Posted by: Kat at January 24, 2006 11:04 AM
I know a lot less about kids in general, let alone your kids, than you do, but sometimes an outside perspective helps to connect things you already know. I think the father-son times you have arranged are a good idea: what about expanding on that and arranging a special uncle-nephew outing? Or at least maybe phone converations if your brother lives far away? It sounds like your brother has been through some very similar things and maybe he can pass on to LT some of what he's learned.
Posted by: dichroic at January 24, 2006 03:08 PM
When Nate was 4 months and having all those tummy problems, I asked a nurse at the dr office (who has 5 kids) if it ever gets easier. And she told me no. It just gets harder and harder. And the easiest time of all was right then when they were babies. sigh
Posted by: debi at January 26, 2006 11:41 AM
Mary --- SOON? Do tell. Email me.
Posted by: Rachel at January 27, 2006 01:39 AM
