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Thursday, May 11, 2006
Living Beyond Yourself, Week 6
What do you mean, it's not Friday? It's Thursday? Oh, so I'm early? Ah. Six days late. I see.
Ahem.
I might have gone ahead and let this one slide by without a post, seeing has how I should be doing one tomorrow evening for week 7, but this was possibly a life-changing study for me, so I wanted to share a few things, even though it's way off-schedule and will confuse everyone and they'll have to reset the atomic clock because Rachel is never late with anything so it must be wrong.
Ahem again.
Anyway. Life-changing, yes, back to that life-changing bit. Much as the first week of this study revolutionized my prayer life (thinking of it as 'pouring out' and 'pouring in' rather than the drier kind of confess/thank/ask paradigm I've heard discussed makes a wonderful difference), I think Week Six, which I actually completed earlier this week, is going to revolutionize my thought life and my practical day-to-day existence, in two major areas. If I let it.
First was that bit about judgment. I've always kind of pushed aside the judgment issue by bringing forward the idea of discernment and making right judgments and not being hypocritical. Not to downplay any of those; it's very important to use discernment and make right judgments and avoid hypocrisy. But that doesn't give me carte blanche to throw around condemning comments and snide thoughts like I have been known to do. (Not to anyone's face. Not that that's an excuse. It's just that I'm so nonconfrontational, you see.) I'll give an example. There is a person I know. This person has, well, really ungodly priorities, and really non-family-friendly priorities (do you see how neutral I'm being here? I'm not saying "screwed-up priorities" even though I really wanted to. Oops.), and these wrong priorities affect my husband (and hence our family) in a very real and negative way. Now, I don't think there's a problem with that sentence, if you leave out that first parenthesis; it's a simple statement of fact. Where I have gone wrong so many times in the past is in going beyond that simple statement of fact and into some really ugly territory where I assume things about this man's relationships with his family members, and I call him rude names when I'm talking about him with my husband, and I complain about him to my friends, and the things I have thought about him are really not fit to type. I've always known that this isn't really a Christian kind of attitude to have (especially that last part) but I did a lot of rationalizing. I was entitled to think and talk like that. The man hurts me. He endangers the man I love. He angers me.
I can't rationalize it anymore. And this person isn't the only one who has inspired this kind of reaction in me, as God showed me when I asked Him to. God has really laid on my heart that this reaction is wrong, plain and simple. I'm putting this in writing here so that I have some accountability, to myself and maybe to others, so that I don't ease back into a wrong mindset, quench the Holy Spirit, and give up on the painful and difficult Eustace-the-dragon type of change that I know God wants me to experience in this area.
Now for the second major change God is bringing about in me. I cannot even remember what passage triggered this thought, but at one point during the study on patience I had a sudden mental image of what would happen if God reacted to me with the same merciful patience (what a beautiful, wonderful concept all by itself -- merciful patience) as I show my children. I mean, let's take, for a quick example, something that happens in my house on very nearly a daily basis: My children have just thoughtlessly made a mess of something I have just finished cleaning (or folding, or whatever). My reaction is to, in super-intellectual psychology parlance, blow a gasket. Sometimes I yell. I rant and rave about how if you CARED at all about your mother's feelings and sanity you would THINK about what you're doing and not just WRECK half an hour of her work in one fell SWOOP (emphasis in original).
Which is exactly the opposite of how God deals with me. And that's a good thing, or I'd have been struck by lightning and smashed flat as a pancake, oh, say, five thousand times by now.
But really, how often do I thoughtlessly discard what God has done? How often do I cause people to think less of Him because I am His child? How often do I undo His good work because I'm just not thinking? Too often to contemplate, really. Probably far more often than such a thing is done to me.
And how often does he rain down a (justifiable) punishment on me?
Um, never. He never does. He pours down grace instead. I kind of picture him standing there with his hands on his hips and one eyebrow arched, waiting for me to turn around and see him and go, oh yeah, oh gosh, I'm so sorry, and fall into his arms, and stay there until the next time I wander off and do something stupid.
So. This doesn't mean my children will now live in a free-for-all. Merciful patience does not preclude well-administered, thoughtful, gentle, loving discipline. It does mean that I hope -- I pray -- that I can call that mental image to mind, the one of the pancake-flattening lightning-striking God who doesn't exist, the next time I am about to let loose with an impatient and unmerciful reaction to one of the people whom I love most in the world.
And this is why even if I got nothing else out of this whole study -- and I did, I'm loving it, I'm loving seeing other people's reactions to it, and wasn't Beth's hair in the week 6 video so nice and puffy and Texasy and 80's-ish? You know what's really fantastic, is to watch the video at the same time as someone else and then you can IM each other when Beth reaches right through the screen and POKES you with that sizzling-cattleprod-of-conviction thing she uses sometimes -- anyway, I digress. If I got nothing else out of it, it would be worth every minute and every penny a thousand times over to have got the message that God used this study to give me this week.
Comments
But really, how often do I thoughtlessly discard what God has done?
That is such a good point, Rachel. It is something I need to be working on. It sounds like you are doing a great Bible study!!! I wish I could do it with you.
Posted by: debi at May 12, 2006 08:33 AM
Dang Rachel I just want to smother you with kisses and sunshine. I mean DANG. You know, I think about you and that person that makes you so angry and I think to myself sometimes, perhaps if you were able to love him inspite of himself, maybe...I'm being redundant, sorry...Things would change because, I dunno, you've freed it up somehow to change.
As for everything else, Oh you have inspired me to share mine, but I'm so lazy and the devil has me in his handbag this week...I'm behind and I need to get myself in order. God willing, (Please, God, oh please), I'll do my session six entry AND do all the homework, watch the video and do my session seven entry this weekend.
Can you imagine how elated I'd be? Talk about going into work on Monday in a good mood!
Posted by: jenn at May 12, 2006 08:58 PM
Oh yeah, thank you for linking to me...I don't think anyone caught that last LBY post (The one I wrote before the memes). Not that I'm fishing for comments here, it is just that it was such a majorly life-changing experience, it just sort of feels a little sad that you are the only one I've shared it with. Of course, Beth Mentioned something about that happening, so I'm going to stop griping now. Thanks though :)
Posted by: jenn at May 12, 2006 09:00 PM
I just re-read what you wrote to Jason and I just have to say, WOW. You are so totally amazing. What a blessing it is to have you has a sister.
Posted by: jenn at May 12, 2006 09:20 PM
You are awesome. Just awesome... a great Mom and a thoughtful writer. Keep doing what you are doing.
Posted by: e-Mom at May 13, 2006 12:39 AM
That was amazing! Thank you for posting that (even if it was late ;) ). I needed to read it.
Posted by: Maria at May 13, 2006 01:50 AM
Awesome awesome awesome post. And I'm glad I had to alter my atomic time clock and turn back the hands of time to week six - because I needed those reminders this morning! What a great, fresh word - thanks for communicating what God is doing in your life in such a relateable way.
Posted by: boomama at May 13, 2006 07:06 AM
As usual, I can really relate to your struggles. I praise God that He has been near you and sanctifying (sp?) you through this study. Awesome stuff, that. In other news, I just finished Remains of the Day and really enjoyed it. Thanks!
Posted by: Denise at May 13, 2006 06:25 PM
What a beautiful testimony, Rachel. God is so good to speak to each of us individually about those places in our lives He wants to refine. Hope you are having a wonderful Mothers Day!
Posted by: Patricia at May 14, 2006 01:30 PM
Hey, I'M late READING posts, trying to catch up on that.
Coming across yours was a breath of fresh air this morning. I have had a judgemental attitude, too. I'm very patient, as far as everyone else is concerned, but inside I am very quick to pass judgement on some folks. God's been pricking my heart on some specific people lately, and I've been putting some good time in chatting w/God about them.
IMing while watching the video together? Now THAT'S a cool idea! ;)
Posted by: Chaotic Mom at May 15, 2006 04:21 AM
The God as parent analogy always stops me in my tracks. It makes me think that I understood nothing about God before I had my kids. Thanks for the great insights.
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