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Thursday, September 20, 2007
OK, so now I know.
Yesterday I did the vast bulk of the cleaning at the old house, and then I cried all the way home.
I cried driving through town. I cried while I was putting things in one of our two mini-storage units. I cried on the phone with my dad (which was very embarrassing), and I cried while I listened to a serendipitous series of shuffled songs* on my iPod in the car on the half-hour drive from one house to the other. I had stopped crying by the time I got home, but I know I looked terrible and everyone was very nice to me at dinnertime. (It is taking practice, but I am learning to call this house "home" instead of "Mom and Dad's" and the other house "the other house" instead of "home").
It didn't help that I had been going on five hours of sleep for approximately a week, which does me no good at ALL, or that I had just worked hard, virtually nonstop, from 7:30 AM till 6:30 PM, or that I had had a semi-argument with T when he came to pick up LT from the old house for Boy Scouts, or that my hands were excruciatingly sore, tired, chapped, red, and banged-up from having scrubbed and scoured all day long. But in the main, I cried because I was grieving for a time and place that will never be mine again. Today I felt a little silly about it, but when I went back to pick up some cardboard to make garage sale signs, pulling in and parking in my old spot was a seriously nostalgic moment. Even now I choke up if I think about the sunlight coming through the sliding glass door in the afternoons, or the curtains with pictures of construction equipment that I made to hang in my toddler son's bedroom, or the smell of the first fire in the woodstove in the autumn.** See, there I go again. Some things I took for granted, even disliked in a way -- for example, that the default place to walk was in town, or that the safest place for the kids to run around and play was the nearby school playground -- seem sweet and like something to be missed.
In other words, I have it bad. But it'll pass. And at least now I can stop wondering if it's ever going to hit me, right?
*"What's Up", 4 Non Blondes, which, aside from being just an all around great song for when you're sad, because it's kind of ABOUT being sad/hurt/confused but not letting it ruin you, contains the line "I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed/just to get it all out, what's in my head"; "Release Me", Wilson Phillips, which was a song that made me cry with regularity when it was current because I was So Dramatic and also I had Boyfriend Issues; "The Story", Brandi Carlile, another girl-power bittersweet kind of song, no explanation needed if you are familiar with it, and if you aren't, go listen to it, especially if you have two X chromosomes; "Sound of Silence", Simon and Garfunkel, which was not as pat to the circumstances as "Bridge Over Troubled Water" would have been, but it worked fine. I forget what came after those, but they got me over halfway home, at least.
**which probably would have been built tomorrow. It has been blessedly cooler this week, and it's supposed to be a brisk, possibly wet weekend. YES. Garage sale and all.
Comments
Hugs. Yes, at least now you don't have to dread it hitting you. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by: Kat with a K at September 20, 2007 05:56 AM
*huge hugs*
Posted by: Maria at September 20, 2007 08:18 AM
oh precious sister! It is hard and I knew it would hit you like that. I do wish you would have called me! You have many happy memories in that house! it is understandable. would write more, but J is screaming. sigh
Posted by: debi at September 20, 2007 01:17 PM
Best cure for grieving over an old home is making a new one. I hope news comes soon on the other house and that it is very good news indeed. (My next three weeks include a week-long driving trip with my husband that is probably our last trip while living in Europe, giving away a cat who's been with us for 16 years, and looking for a new apartment in a country I've never been to. I have some inkling how you feel, maybe.)
Posted by: dichroic at September 21, 2007 12:17 AM
You know when I called you the other day I hadn't read this. I do hope you're feeling better and I hate to say I told you so ;-) I love you more than words and wish I could give you a big hug right now.
Posted by: jennifer at September 24, 2007 09:48 PM
...Just been wondering how you've been doing since this post. And, I don't think I still have your cell phone number. Could you email it to me? Or whichever number is best to reach you...?
Love you!!
Posted by: Susan at September 25, 2007 12:51 PM
{{{hugs,Rachel}}}....I'm sorry...I know how you feel...we recently moved from CA to TX after a million years in CA. Here is another hug {{{{{Rachel}}}}}
Posted by: Denise at September 25, 2007 07:51 PM
everyone, thank you for your kind thoughts. I'm doing SO much better. A week makes a big difference.
Susan (and, well, everyone to whom it matters), my home phone number is the one to use; it redirects to Mom and Dad's for now. Don't be troubled if you get my dad's voice on the answering machine -- we're going to change the greeting but we haven't yet. My cell number is still good too, but it doesn't work here at home so I can only check messages/make calls/receive calls on it when I'm out and about.
Posted by: Rachel at September 25, 2007 07:55 PM
