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Sunday, March 02, 2008
it's crowded in there
I've been quiet, but not because I didn't have anything to say. Really it's because I have too much to say, and I can't begin to say it all decently and in order, and in some cases I don't have the energy to slog through the effort of recording a whole bunch of bothersome emotions for posterity. So I've been in blog avoidance mode. Maybe if I give a bare-bones synopsis of the past week, I'll be able to make a fresh start and move on.
- Kids' social issues: We're going to keep trying. I wasn't serious about barricading ourselves in the house. Quite.
- My uncle died on Wednesday. He was my father's nearest-in-age brother. He was... oh, see, here's all that emotional stuff I didn't want to mess with. He made a lot of stupid choices in his life and caused himself a lot of unnecessary heartache, not to mention a death from diabetes, MRSA, cirrhosis, liver cancer, and hepatitis combined at the age of not-quite-57. But he was a gentle, generous, loving, affectionate, charming, kindhearted man who spent his whole life here in this little town, and we will miss him very much. His funeral was yesterday.
- Also on Wednesday, my sister-in-law and her kids moved to town. This is much happier news. Her kids and mine have hit it off splendidly, especially her boy and mine, who are a scant year apart in age and have all the important things (Airsoft, Lego, Mopars, and hunting) in common. The kids spent Wednesday through Friday with us, while their mom was driving down here and getting things settled in their apartment. We had a blast.
- It's been ten years today since our infant daughter Natalie died. A whole decade between us -- it just doesn't seem possible.
- As I mentioned before, our eight years of involvement with the congregation we've been attending came to an end this winter. Now it appears that our five years of service at AWANA will also be ending, against our will. See, MORE blathering about emotional stuff is about to happen here if I don't get control of myself. Can I just say how much I hate the fact that Christians don't TALK to each other? When I was a new believer I would hear unbelievers say that they hated the idea of organized religion and I would smugly and sorrowfully assume that they just didn't know how loving God's people really were. Then when I'd been in a church for about three years we went through a really ugly time (no Bereans need apply, basically), and I walked away hurt but assuming that that one problem had been an anomaly. Now, a dozenish years later, I have reached a point where I am as disillusioned and disgusted with the behavior of "organized" Christians toward each other as any nonbeliever could ever be. I know it sounds like I'm being mysterious and evasive, but really I'm just... too tired to go into further detail about it. And too disgusted. And too hurt. And probably still too angry, to boot.
Now there's a cheerful note to end on. I promise I'll try to be back with your regularly scheduled self-deprecating humor as soon as I can, now that I've got this whole week off my chest.
Comments
I'm sorry about your uncle - I have the same sort of flawed, beloved people in my own life.
And my heart breaks to hear about your baby. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Beck at March 3, 2008 05:34 AM
I hope it doesn't always feel like the decade has come 'between' you and Natalie. It's been about that long since my grandmother died, but I so often feel like my grandparents are right here with me - of course, I had a lot longer to get to know them, but then you carried her within you. I hope you do feel that, often, with her and with your uncle.
Sometimes it's so much harder when a lot of things build up than if you had to deal with them one at a time.
Posted by: dichroic at March 3, 2008 09:40 AM
I'm so sorry about your uncle, and the church/Awana ugliness.
I don't think I've ever told you this: the day Natalie died (or maybe the day after? Whenever you posted about it), I started crying for her/you while reading my e-mail, so I got up and went outside, and the crocuses had just (since I'd gotten home from school that day) started to poke up in my mom's garden, and it seemed like a beautiful sign. And now every time I see crocuses I think of her. I'm not sure what my point is in telling you this, maybe just that if even I, who never met her and barely knew you at the time, think of her every time I see a common flower, that's just a sign of the enormous impact she had on so many people in her short life. Hugs.
Posted by: Kat with a K at March 3, 2008 12:40 PM
It amazes me how badly christians can treat each other. very sad. and I am sorry you are having to go through this.
Posted by: debi at March 3, 2008 03:10 PM
I'm was saddened to read Tom's obituary in the post office today. Sal and him became fast friends years ago and Tom was a "regular". Tom would come down and "charge" a Carnitas burrito and promise to pay Sal back "next" week. He was always good for it; as long as he stayed out of the way of the law. The last time Sal spoke with him was last Monday morning; during a visit at the truck, Sal gave him is last Carnitas burrito. Such a sweet man. I'm sorry for your loss Rachel. I also remember 10 years ago, when I heard of your loss of Natalie. I was in the post office. This is a tough week for you, but your strength and faith perseveres. Stay strong. . and keep trudging along.
Shea
Posted by: Anonymous at March 3, 2008 10:09 PM
Oh my sweet, dearest friend. I love you so much and CANNOT WAIT to just give you the biggest hug EVER.
Posted by: jenn at March 4, 2008 01:01 PM
I'm praying for you. I see that I really ned to get over here more often. You wrote, "Really it's because I have too much to say, and I can't begin to say it all decently and in order, and in some cases I don't have the energy to slog through the effort of recording a whole bunch of bothersome emotions for posterity. So I've been in blog avoidance mode." And I think that about sums up the sorry state of my much neglected blog.
I am so sorry about your loss 10 years ago... and I know there are no words, only faith in a loving Creator's purpose that we do not yet see, and the hope of being reunited with our loved ones in eternity.
I see that you record for Librivox, you're my hero. We are recent Librivox addicts, ever since Chris bought us all Ipods... books on podcast, it just doesn't get any better than that!
Posted by: beth at March 5, 2008 06:48 PM
I followed your intro on the Introverted Knitters' group. I'm so sorry for your recent loss. We too lost an infant...I feel an instant connection with any moms who have lived through that loss! I look forward to getting to know you better.
:)
Posted by: Amy at March 11, 2008 07:09 AM
Hey Rachel-
I'm not sure how else to get ahold of you but I have a possible job for you if you would be interested. We are catering a wedding in Groveland on the 29th. The couple is still looking for a photographer and I thought you would be great for the job. I don't know if you hire out for photography jobs or what you would charge if you do. But if you are interested, get back to me ASAP, so that I can put you in touch with the couple. I'm sure it will be a good handful of change.
sheacna@yahoo.com or call me. 209-769-8441
Thx,
Shea
Posted by: Anonymous at March 11, 2008 09:02 AM
