I totally agree with you, but I am also wondering if part of the reason could have to do with many wives objecting or being passive-aggressively mean about their husbands spending time with friends, so they are actually trying to thank you for being nice about it. Like "I know T is crazy busy and this thing I asked him to do is taking him away from his time with you and the kids, so thank you for being understanding and not getting mad at me or him about it." Or maybe that's just what I think they SHOULD be saying. Hmmmm. Must contemplate.

I think you're right in that they're probably grateful that I'm nice about it; not all wives are. I have friends who are ALWAYS coming up with reasons that their husbands can't get together with their friends for projects or fun, or guilting them out of going. I have other friends who have "honey-do" lists as long as their arms for projects they want done at home that their husbands OF COURSE have to do, whether their husbands see the things as a priority or not. And I think truly that's a big part of the problem. We as a society not only act like we think it's OK for wives to control their husbands; many in our culture actually do think it's OK, including the yes-dear husbands who have let the culture of their marriage be such that they can't claim their time as their own unless their wives say they can.

Yet the reverse is (and, I can't say often enough, should be) unthinkable. A woman who has to run her weekend activities by her husband, not to see if it's something that will work for both of them or to find out what he thinks and take his input into account, but to ask permission? A husband who grants permission for some activities that his wife may choose to do, but not others, and only if she has all of his pet projects done first? (Do not look at the stack of neckerchiefs on my sewing machine! Hee. Kidding. He asked me if I could do that project and I said I could because I wanted to help, not because he would make my life miserable with whining or nagging if I didn't.)

The thing is that the person they should be thanking (and they do! but in a different way) is T. He decides what he does with his time. To thank me, using the language they choose to use ("Thank you for letting him come out today" is a direct quote) indicates that I make that decision for him -- which, OK, is a state of affairs that is sadly borne out in other marriages, but not ours.

And Kat, I'm not railing at you. That got long, but it was more an extension of the blog post than a reply (let alone an attempt at a repudiation, since what you said was spot-on) to your comment.

=) I wonder what Toney would do if I gave him a hunny do list??!!! ha ha

I know what you mean Rachel. I am sure F has thanked you in the past when T helped him but he means it as thank you for sacrificing the time you could have spent with your husband so he could help F. I guess it depends who the thanking comes from as how you take it too. I know my mil has thanked F for him sharing me so-to-speak, to help her with some technical issue with the tv or computer. She knew she was taking time I could spend with him away so while she thanked me for my help she thanked him too. Some people mean it sincerely and some people are coming from the angle of "thanks for letting them off the leash".

F and I run over our plans for the weekend/evenings not to get permission from each other, but to know that we are on the same page. Most of time our plans are together so it's not too complicated.

I agree with you on a grown man's right and ability to decide how to spend his time. But one thing I will point out is that it's not a new thing - the old TV shows like Leave It To Beaver and My Three Sons include plenty of mockery of fathers and husbands, and the slang expression "to get a kitchen pass" is an old one. Maybe some day we'll accept that both men and women are and should be responsible adults.

I have a friend who has a two-year-old with [a man she didn't know was] a married man. Apparently his wife has been persecuting my friend, which makes no sense to me - excuse me, lady, your husband was the one who lied to both you and my friend and who broke his vows. He wasn't tempted by an evil woman, he chose to do what he did. (And whatever you might think of my friend (who may have made a bad decision but has dealt with the consequences and is raising her beautiful daughter without support) anyone who would do anything to hurt an innnocent child with the circumstnaces of her birth has lost any claim to respect from me.)